Crohns and Pregnancy- Hard Decisions

I have tried writing about some of the challenges I have gone through with this pregnancy but so far haven't been able to bring myself to publish any of them.  I know how lucky I am to be having this baby, and the last thing I want to do is seem like I am complaining or that I am ungrateful.

But today was a hard day.  Not the whole day of course.  Just a piece of the day that made me afraid for my baby, which is a terrible, terrible feeling. You see, I just got off the phone with my GI after having a serious discussion with my prenatal specialist yesterday.  My husband and I have to make some hard decisions, and I'm not sure which one is right.

My GI has told me that if I stay on my medication that helps fight my Crohns, the baby could be born severely immune suppressed.  Since babies are already born immune suppressed, it seemed like a no-brainer that I should go with his recommendation to discontinue my medication before the third trimester when the drugs can cross the placenta.

But my high risk prenatal Dr feels strongly that if I go off of my meds while I am already in a flair, there is good chance that our baby will actually stop growing.  Of course, that is also very harmful to our little one.

There is also a possibility of me upping my meds to combat this flair, changing them, or going on steroids for a while to help me get healthy enough to keep little Nora as healthy as she is now and make sure she is getting all of the nutrients and everything else she needs from me while I am carrying her.

When I went into this pregnancy, I assumed I would be stopping my meds all together.  I thought my decision was between possibly risking my health or the babies, which was an easy choice to make.  Now it feels like I am risking her health no matter what we decide.

I've had to make a lot of hard choices about my own health in the past, and I have never regretted a single one.  I have felt plenty helpless before, but this feels so completely different.  So much more frightening.  I am going get some tests done that may help inform my Drs as to what I should do as I have asked them to speak with each other before we make any decisions.

I'm not sure if I will leave this post up or not.  I really don't want anyone to think that I am feeling sorry for myself when I have been given this beautiful chance to be a mom, which is why I haven't been able to post similar posts that I have written.  For the most part, I am so happy I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.  But this is hard.  I want to be a good mom so bad, it really sucks to think that I might make the wrong choice for her and hurt our baby.

I am very afraid to make the wrong decision.  I'm afraid that it was selfish to decide to have a baby when my health is so bad.  I am afraid that I will pass my disease onto her.  My husband talked me down from my crying spell by reminding me of what a great life I have had, even living with this disease and even if Nora ends up having Crohns (he is quite sure that she will not) she will have a beautiful life too.  He believes that we will make the right choice, although I'm not sure what that is right now.  He tells me that if this has to happen to any baby, Sonora is up to the challenge since she is so strong and active and perfect.  All I can think right now is that I am putting my baby in danger no matter what we decide to do, but his love and unfailing optimism do help.  All of the support we have gotten from friends and family helps too!  It is a great feeling to know that so many people are happy for us and excited to meet our little girl.

For now, I am going to do the only thing I can do and take some time this weekend to rest and spend time with my husband.  Maybe we will even get started on little Nora's nursery if I am up for it.  Part of me is really worried, but the biggest part of me still beleives that everything is going to be okay.  I am going to try to listen to that part right now.