Nesting

Even though we are nearly 22 weeks in, we really haven't had the money or the energy to do very much to get ready for this little kiddo.  I've been sick so much it's been hard to do anything but rest.

However, we are more than half way through this pregnancy so we decided that it was time to buckle down and do some proper nesting this weekend.  I wasn't feeling good yesterday, so we didn't get started until today.  But boy, did we make ourselves proud getting the house clean and the nursery cleaned out!

We aren't nearly done yet getting Sonora's room set up, nor does she have a lot to go in it.  But that is okay with us.  We are going to have her in a bassinet by our bed for the first few months anyway, so she doesn't need a lot of stuff right away.  Still, it feels really great to have some of the grunt work done, or at least getting done, before I am too big to be very much help.

The only thing really worth showing right now is Nora's little closet, which looks so dang cute with her stuff in it!  Most of her toys are hand-me-downs from me.  Some were even in my crib when I was a baby!

I am really looking forward to building her little wardrobe.  My sister's Tati and Rachel bought her a few really cute things recently, and today we used some Kohl's Cash to get her a few more things.  I made her some temporary hangers until she has some real ones.  :)

It was kind of a hard week, but having her closet ready and a lot of our big cleaning chores out of the way really helped to make me feel better.  Hopefully everything will go smoothly from here on out.   I sure am looking forward to meeting our little wiggle butt in about 18 weeks!!!

Sonora's closet

The inside of her closet door

Crohns and Pregnancy- Hard Decisions

I have tried writing about some of the challenges I have gone through with this pregnancy but so far haven't been able to bring myself to publish any of them.  I know how lucky I am to be having this baby, and the last thing I want to do is seem like I am complaining or that I am ungrateful.

But today was a hard day.  Not the whole day of course.  Just a piece of the day that made me afraid for my baby, which is a terrible, terrible feeling. You see, I just got off the phone with my GI after having a serious discussion with my prenatal specialist yesterday.  My husband and I have to make some hard decisions, and I'm not sure which one is right.

My GI has told me that if I stay on my medication that helps fight my Crohns, the baby could be born severely immune suppressed.  Since babies are already born immune suppressed, it seemed like a no-brainer that I should go with his recommendation to discontinue my medication before the third trimester when the drugs can cross the placenta.

But my high risk prenatal Dr feels strongly that if I go off of my meds while I am already in a flair, there is good chance that our baby will actually stop growing.  Of course, that is also very harmful to our little one.

There is also a possibility of me upping my meds to combat this flair, changing them, or going on steroids for a while to help me get healthy enough to keep little Nora as healthy as she is now and make sure she is getting all of the nutrients and everything else she needs from me while I am carrying her.

When I went into this pregnancy, I assumed I would be stopping my meds all together.  I thought my decision was between possibly risking my health or the babies, which was an easy choice to make.  Now it feels like I am risking her health no matter what we decide.

I've had to make a lot of hard choices about my own health in the past, and I have never regretted a single one.  I have felt plenty helpless before, but this feels so completely different.  So much more frightening.  I am going get some tests done that may help inform my Drs as to what I should do as I have asked them to speak with each other before we make any decisions.

I'm not sure if I will leave this post up or not.  I really don't want anyone to think that I am feeling sorry for myself when I have been given this beautiful chance to be a mom, which is why I haven't been able to post similar posts that I have written.  For the most part, I am so happy I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.  But this is hard.  I want to be a good mom so bad, it really sucks to think that I might make the wrong choice for her and hurt our baby.

I am very afraid to make the wrong decision.  I'm afraid that it was selfish to decide to have a baby when my health is so bad.  I am afraid that I will pass my disease onto her.  My husband talked me down from my crying spell by reminding me of what a great life I have had, even living with this disease and even if Nora ends up having Crohns (he is quite sure that she will not) she will have a beautiful life too.  He believes that we will make the right choice, although I'm not sure what that is right now.  He tells me that if this has to happen to any baby, Sonora is up to the challenge since she is so strong and active and perfect.  All I can think right now is that I am putting my baby in danger no matter what we decide to do, but his love and unfailing optimism do help.  All of the support we have gotten from friends and family helps too!  It is a great feeling to know that so many people are happy for us and excited to meet our little girl.

For now, I am going to do the only thing I can do and take some time this weekend to rest and spend time with my husband.  Maybe we will even get started on little Nora's nursery if I am up for it.  Part of me is really worried, but the biggest part of me still beleives that everything is going to be okay.  I am going to try to listen to that part right now.

21 weeks- Ultra Awesome Ultrasound

Well, here is our official proof- we are having a little girl!  They wrote it on the photo and everything, so it must be true.  

Here is her cute profile before I show you some amazing, yet disturbing 3D images.  

Here she is not wanting her picture taken.  

But she relented and let us get some good shots in 3D.  The ultrasound technician pointed out that she still needs some fat on her body before she is truly a cute little critter, but she sure looks cute to me (if not a little freaky in these images).  

Jer and I think this one is the cutest, even though she seems to be missing the top of her head.  

Our little wiggle butt is doing great and growing right on schedule!  The bad news?  Our high risk Dr thinks that if I don't get my health under control she may be at risk in the third trimester.  Apparently that is when she may have trouble growing thanks to my active Crohns.  Boo.  My health has been bad lately and I hate to think about it hurting our little girl.  It makes me really sad and worried since he is so worried about her, and I know it is not good to be in such a bad flair while pregnant.  It is also taking it's tole on me of course, which is also pretty hard to deal with sometimes.  

I'm working on getting it under control, but at least for now she is healthy and active.  So so active!  Two of my sisters have even gotten to feel her kick!  I am so grateful for this chance to be her mommy.  Only 19 more weeks to go and we will be meeting her!!!!

A quick note about my husband because I think it is worth stating.  Jer has been able to make it with me to every Drs appointment yet thanks to the fact that he works from home, and it is a truly wonderful blessing to have him there.  Jer has spent more time in hospitals with me over the years than we can count.  When I was in and out of the ER years ago, he was up with me all night, and he would still have to make it into work the next morning.  I'm not quite sure how he did it, but the way he has dealt with my illness and always been there for me is absolutely amazing.  He has always supported me and loved me through the hard times in such a magical, beautiful way.  

Now, at every ultrasound, he sits really close to me, pets my arms and kisses me softly on my hands and cheek when the baby moves.  He does this without even really noticing he is doing it.  He is enjoying seeing the baby, but he is also enjoying knowing that he has made me so happy by giving me this perfect little girl.  I couldn't ask for a better man to share my life with an I just need to take the time to say thank you as much as possible for all he does and all he is.  There is not another person in the world I would rather be so madly in love with, or be aloud to spend the rest of my life with, then him.  I am so glad he will be the main male influence our daughter will have.  He is my medicine and my safety net.  I love him so so much, I can hardly believe he is a real person sometimes.  

So that's life.  There is beauty and there is pain, but right now I am mostly focused on the beauty and really do recognize how lucky I am to be given this chance to be a mom.  I love to sit quietly with my little girl and feel her move and I know she is going to be safe and happy.  I am going to do my best to help her to be strong, creative and most of all kind.  I am so excited to see who she will be, but I know she will be perfect no matter what!  

18 and 19 Weeks- Lets Go Swimming!

I'm actually all the way up to 21 weeks now, but I am going to do a few posts retroactively.  More ultrasound photos to come after Wednesday of the little wiggle butt!  

One thing that really helps both my Crohns and my pregnancy pains is swimming.  It takes the pressure off of my joints.  No matter how much pain I am in, it always helps me.  Also, it happens to be my favorite thing in the world to do!  My sweet husband goes swimming with me as often as he can, which is just lovely.  

These first photos were from around 18 weeks.  I wore my modest swim top that I got to cover the bump because I wasn't quite sure how I felt about exposing the belly in public.  We were at a pond, and I had a wonderful time floating around on inter-tubes for a few days.  :)

By the next week, my sweet husband convinced me I would look cute in a two piece so I went for it!  Honestly, I think I looked a lot cuter just letting it all hang out, and I felt great.  After my surgery's in 2010, my belly has a few scars, and my belly button is a little off-kilter, but it doesn't really bother me.  I was a little worried about having the whole preggo tummy on display, but I got over it pretty darn fast.  I felt very free just going for it and swimming without worrying about what anyone else thought of my body.  Pregnancy is an oddly freeing experience and I have never felt more confident.  It feels amazing to be able to grow a person inside of me and be so focused on the strength of my body rather than what it looks like.